Uncertainty
Here I am, once again, in this state of
uncertainty. There are so many questions that are demanding answers in this
time of my life. Where am I going? What do I want to be? Who am I going to be?
Throughout my childhood I thought I had these answers. Of course I would be the
little girl that grew up and went off to New York City to become a professional
dancer. As I enter new stages in my life though, these demands do not seem to
be so undoubtedly satisfied. I’ve always been one to have the answer. I have
always been the one to know the plan. I thought I knew where I wanted to go and
who I wanted to be. There was never a question in my mind where I would end up.
If there is one thing I am convinced
of though, it is my desire to be prosperous. Being the older of the two
children, I feel the weight of the stress to find the right way the first time.
I struggle to find the answer to whether the success is for me or for them, if
the success is something to prove or something to have. People want to discover
their purpose and their place; they want to uncover what makes them feel full and
I am just another face standing in the crowd.
I’m petrified that I don’t have every trivial
detail of my life strategically plotted on a map. I don’t have every step I’m
going to eventually take recorded and planned. I don’t have every thought and
every idea predetermined in order to prevent a mistake. Bottom line, I’m
scared. I’m scared to confess that I’m scared and honestly I can’t even grasp
an idea of what scares me so much. Ending
up alone? Wasting my time? Struggling to survive? Choosing the wrong path? I’m
tired of trying to answer my own questions. I’m tired of searching high and low
for an answer. I’m tired of detaching myself from the life that is proceeding
now without me because I would rather be living in the future —The future where
I think I’ll have all the answers to my seemingly unanswerable questions.
But why, why do I need to determine these
answers? No one is asking me them. Is there an unacknowledged pressure from the
way in which our society functions? To be successful you must meet all the
criteria on the societal hierarchical checklist. You must have an income; you
must live in a nice home and be able to support yourself and your family. You must
have a nine to five office job in which you work and only work. Will this make
me happy? Is this what success really measures up to be? What if success
actually means finding happiness? What if I could make success not about
materialistic things, but about love and joy?
I am positive that some how someday I will figure
it out. I will fill my empty cup and I will find purpose I’m my life. Right now
though, I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I’m empty. I’m lost. I want answers and I
want to know how it is all going to turn out now. I want to know if I’ll be
happy and satisfied with the life that I chose to live. This is my path. My
path is my path alone. It does not belong to anyone one else and it does not
look like anyone else’s. We all have our path and I’m learning to trust the one
I’m on. I’m learning that everyday, every word spoken, every idea thought,
every step taken has a purpose. I am built by these experiences. I am sculpted
daily in preparation to one day answer my questions and have certainty.
Uncertainty from Kayla Clowes on Vimeo.
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